Hello there, folks!
While stewing over my books and publishing and all that (did I mention that I have a bunch of stuff published? No? Well, it’s because I actually don’t), and thinking about how qualified I was to tell other people how to publish themselves, I realized I had something really valuable to offer. I could, from my vast sea of knowledge and experience, offer aspiring writers the five keys to turning yourself from local curiosity to tabloid famous. Like me. Perfectly qualified.
So here you go: Five Tips For Becoming A Wildly Successful Author
This is my beanbag, an ideal way to stay fit and write at the same time! You see, it takes enormous effort to get the beans fluffed just right, and getting up and down is just like doing squats at the gym. You can even repurpose it to be a makeshift Exercise Ball if you wanted. A little fitness keeps your brain clear and your body healthy, and investing in a beanbag is the perfect way to achieve that. So #1: Exercise
Imperative! Of course, this is not counting all the late-nights you’re pulling to reach a manuscript deadline, but on the other nights you need to make up. So invest in a quality bed that will carry you effortlessly away into dreamland (let’s feed that imagination!) and protect your sleeping posture.
Like this one. This is a top-of-the-line Ikea bed. They know how to do sleep at Ikea. Slats on the bottom, of course (and don’t worry about the lumber and it looking like you could have rigged it yourself; it’s always better to pay other people to do what you can do cheaper, because they need a job and just maybe they’ll do it better than you could have). Pillows are also important. You can pluck your own chickens for their feathers (they’ll grow back, and don’t freak out if they squawk… chickens just do that) and sew your own pillow, or you can fund someone else’s job by running down to your local grocery store for a nice high-quality feather pillow. Whatever you choose, invest well, because #2: Sleep is very important.
Oh, yeah. Every writer needs it. They dream about it, are addicted to it, can’t get enough of it, are powered by it through their long nights, and are always in search of a 12 Step Coffee Anonymous program (I mean, why, really? They’re a writer, for goodness’ sake! They’d better like coffee!). Anyway, find a good coffee that you can swallow without grimacing, tell everybody it’s the new bomb, and start off every morning with a good ol’ cup of joe. Get every bumper sticker/poster/tee shirt/generic trinket that says “powered by coffee” and be loud and proud of your coffee addiction. You’re a writer. You love coffee. You need coffee. If you don’t like coffee, then I’m sorry, you’d better find a different vocation, because you can’t be a writer and not just NEED coffee. And if you’re not a writer but are thinking about becoming one but you don’t like coffee, don’t bother. You’ve gotta love it, ’cause it’s #3: Coffee.
This can come in many forms, but I mean more than just reading “writing books” or taking classes or attending confrences or any of that. I mean study, as in staring at what other people do and going “hey, that’s awesome! I mean… how do I do that?” kind of study. The best part of being an author. Getting to do this…
For study. (Oh, Frozen? That’s a textbook, can’t you tell??) Read a lot, watch some, listen to music constantly, troll the web… Whatever works, as long as you’re… studying. It’s a very important stage, and invaluable in becoming the smashingly famous writer of your dreams. #4: Study will help get you there.
This is the very serious point. I hope you’re listening, notepad in hand, because if this doesn’t scare you off becoming a Wildly Successful Author, you’ll need to remember and implement this step. Serious health issues are known to result from over-writing. Schizophrenia, dementia, Alzheimer’s, Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, Celiac, hormonal imbalances, even Arthritis, Rheumatism, hair loss, and Cancer. Some writers reach such an extreme that they begin to imagine themselves as one or other of their characters, losing all grasp of reality, and most tragically of all, losing even the desire to write. Most of them end up either dead or locked up in a secure mental home from trying to do the daring exploits of a particular character. To avoid joining their ranks, or at least take what preventative measures there are available, it is important to make relaxing a high priority. Stop. Breathe. Think of something else you might do that day other than write. Maybe go to the theater, or hang out with friends, or host a game night, or go for a walk, or how about read a book? If you find yourself beginning to manifest any of these symptoms or their early stages, see your doctor immediately. But don’t really worry about what he says, because he probably doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway… after all, he’s not a writer. Also, take a break from writing. Yep, I just said that. Take a break from writing, for at least a month and up to a year. Just hold off, let your life slow down, and kick relaxing into hyper-drive. Once you feel yourself sufficiently recovered, try writing again, in small doses, slowly building yourself back up. Once you are back on track, keep a careful eye on your condition to prevent a flare-up. You’re not cured, just in remission. And you can keep it in remission if you make an effort to do #5: Relax regularly.
So that’s it, folks. Start implementing these five tips, and you’ll be as famous as me in no time! Good luck!
DISCLAIMER: Please do not take any of this post seriously. It is purely humorous and satirical, and I don’t know of any conditions known to correlate with writing (though relaxing still may not be a bad idea, come to think of it). And I HATE coffee. With a passion. But I’m still a writer! And in case you don’t know, Ikea is poor-man’s resource. They make good stuff proportionate to the price. 😉 But I do believe firmly in… studying. 😀
DISCLAIMER #2: No animals were harmed in the writing of this post. I do not pluck my live chickens, and yes, we have 3 of them, so don’t tell them I publicly threatened their feathers. I never have plucked them and never will.