I have ashes on my wings.
Sometimes, I think the fire has burned away my feathers too (but it hasn’t).
But I know what the fire is for. The fire cleanses. It burns away impurities and makes way for something new.
Today, as one year closes and another one begins, I want to look back and say, “I am More Than I’ve Been. I have ashes on my wings, yes, but that is because I’ve been through the fire and am rising again.”
Ashes are beautiful.
- THEN: I didn’t know I could be as in-my-own-shoes on this blog as I am now. When I started it in mid-May, I was nervous and self-conscious. I remember when I wrote Five Tips For Becoming A Wildly Successful Author (one of my early posts), I was worried that people might not get the joke, might take offence, might judge me, might not want to read my blog…
- NOW: I just am myself and if people don’t want to read it, that’s fine with me. The posts I’m terrified over posting? They’re the heart-deep ones
- THEN: I locked my secrets deep. I didn’t even let my siblings – by best friends – know the deep, dark corners of my heart. I hid my pain, in some cases denying it, burying it where, I figured, it would cease to exist (or at least be so deep it wouldn’t affect me).
- NOW: I’ve opened up and showed those scars to my sibs. I’ve broken down in front of them (that was hard… I still can’t shake the ingrained idea that crying is bad and a sign of weakness). We’ve shared heart-to-hearts, moments where I felt ripped apart by the rawness, moments that I never would have dreamed of letting happen before.
- THEN: I thought I wasn’t ever going to have back the arm freedom I once had. I thought I might have to severely restrict or virtually give up my writing.
- NOW: I am almost completely back to normal, only a few tasks still being monitored/incorporated. And no real limit on writing.
- THEN: I teetered dangerously close to orthorexia, and did fall into the trap of the diet mentality and food restriction.
- NOW: I’ve discovered food freedom and listening to my body for choosing fuel rather than a set of arbitrary mandates.
- THEN: I scoffed at yogis and hated all exercise.
- NOW: I ❤ yoga, and it has showed me that exercise can regenerate me and be interesting at the same time.
- THEN: I hadn’t ever played a video game.
- NOW: I know that Skyrim is really fun as a team game with my bro!
- THEN: I refused to admit that I was as broken as I am.
- NOW: I know it’s true.
- THEN: I couldn’t look in the mirror without tearing myself to pieces, hating my face, my body, my smile.
- NOW: Though it might not be the figure I’d choose, I can accept this body as mine – and it’s okay the way it is. And I love my smile.
So many things… This is only just a glimpse, a snapshot, of what comes to mind as changing in my life. Steps have been taken, progress made. I am more than I’ve been.
Despite the brokenness. Despite the times I feel too beaten down to get back up. Despite the loneliness and fear that like to hang out with me. Despite the times I fall short and fall on my face. Despite the times when I balk at the fire and feel like running anywhere as long as it’s away from the flames. Despite all of this and more.
These are ashes on my wings.
So tell me: What are some then/nows in your life? What big or little victories are you rejoicing over this New Years?
Happy New Year, folks!!!