I have ashes on my wings.

Sometimes, I think the fire has burned away my feathers too (but it hasn’t).

real-gold-fears-no-fire meme
Quote credit: Randy Alcorn

But I know what the fire is for. The fire cleanses. It burns away impurities and makes way for something new.

Today, as one year closes and another one begins, I want to look back and say, “I am More Than I’ve Been. I have ashes on my wings, yes, but that is because I’ve been through the fire and am rising again.”

Ashes are beautiful.

  • THEN: I didn’t know I could be as in-my-own-shoes on this blog as I am now. When I started it in mid-May, I was nervous and self-conscious. I remember when I wrote Five Tips For Becoming A Wildly Successful Author (one of my early posts), I was worried that people might not get the joke, might take offence, might judge me, might not want to read my blog…
  • NOW: I just am myself and if people don’t want to read it, that’s fine with me. The posts I’m terrified over posting? They’re the heart-deep ones
  • THEN: I locked my secrets deep. I didn’t even let my siblings – by best friends – know the deep, dark corners of my heart. I hid my pain, in some cases denying it, burying it where, I figured, it would cease to exist (or at least be so deep it wouldn’t affect me).
  • NOW: I’ve opened up and showed those scars to my sibs. I’ve broken down in front of them (that was hard… I still can’t shake the ingrained idea that crying is bad and a sign of weakness). We’ve shared heart-to-hearts, moments where I felt ripped apart by the rawness, moments that I never would have dreamed of letting happen before.
  • THEN: I thought I wasn’t ever going to have back the arm freedom I once had. I thought I might have to severely restrict or virtually give up my writing.
  • NOW: I am almost completely back to normal, only a few tasks still being monitored/incorporated. And no real limit on writing.
  • THEN: I teetered dangerously close to orthorexia, and did fall into the trap of the diet mentality and food restriction.
  • NOW: I’ve discovered food freedom and listening to my body for choosing fuel rather than a set of arbitrary mandates.
  • THEN: I scoffed at yogis and hated all exercise.
  • NOW: I ❤ yoga, and it has showed me that exercise can regenerate me and be interesting at the same time.
  • THEN: I hadn’t ever played a video game.
  • NOW: I know that Skyrim is really fun as a team game with my bro!
  • THEN: I refused to admit that I was as broken as I am.
  • NOW: I know it’s true.
  • THEN: I couldn’t look in the mirror without tearing myself to pieces, hating my face, my body, my smile.
  • NOW: Though it might not be the figure I’d choose, I can accept this body as mine – and it’s okay the way it is. And I love my smile.

So many things… This is only just a glimpse, a snapshot, of what comes to mind as changing in my life. Steps have been taken, progress made. I am more than I’ve been.

Despite the brokenness. Despite the times I feel too beaten down to get back up. Despite the loneliness and fear that like to hang out with me. Despite the times I fall short and fall on my face. Despite the times when I balk at the fire and feel like running anywhere as long as it’s away from the flames. Despite all of this and more.

These are ashes on my wings.

~ Kat

So tell me: What are some then/nows in your life? What big or little victories are you rejoicing over this New Years?

Happy New Year, folks!!!